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| ladies and gentlemen,
hello from the land of eryn-has-to-pee. yeah, that's random, but i really do have to pee. i've had to since i woke up an hour ago, but moving is NOT something that i would like to do so i have peed yet. i just talked about pee for far too long.
my apartment is messy. i don't mind all that much though, because i'm leaving it soon. i'm going to prolly take like 3 days off of work when i move so i can actually FULLY move into my new apartment. i say that, but i had two weeks of NOTHING to do when i moved in here and still haven't finished unpacking. but there are a lot of reason i think that it didn't happen, so yeah.
my new roommate is pretty much amazing. i'm really excited to move in with her. her name is ashley and we worked at target together. we've been really close for a while now and we both party about the same and understand, accept, and even encourage each other's lifestyles, so we'll probably get along really well. we already talking about our housewarming party. it will be AMAZING!
here are a few less-obvious reasons that moving to the indy area will be great for me. when friends visit (which i know you will) i'm closer to the airport and closer to things that are actually fun! also, i'll be living near a couple REAL malls!!!! i miss malls so much. there are two at least for now. obviously there are all the given reasons why it's good......closer to work, closer to theater stuff, where a lot of my friends are, it's NOT anderson, when i party down there, i won't have to find a place to crash...
i got a call from philip this week. i hadn't talked to him in what felt like AGES! we chatted about things but the part that made me feel really great is when he asked about life and how things are going for me, and i had nothing very bad to say. as in, i'm finally happy again. the depression and self-doubt and struggling to get by have all lessened and now, even though there is still a lot of struggling to do, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and i'm just excited to keep living life the way i am now. with no regrets and attempting to have fun and be available in all situations. it's amazing what getting a brass pair will do for you, haha
friends, i know i say this a lot, but i can never say it enough. thank you SO MUCH for being there for me these past 6-7 months. You have no ideaahow much i owe you. i couldn't have pulled through without you and all that other mushy stuff...
now, it's time to eat something, shower and go to work!
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| So, apparently somewhere a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, I developed a life. Yeah, I have a life. Which means that I'm either gonna start having really long entries or have to start blogging more often. Hopefully the latter, but who knows with me, I'm kind of flaky....
Working at a restaurant is not the endless torture that I thought it would be...I absolutely HATED the prospect of being a server and hanging out with servers all the time and having looooong night and sleep-filled days. The idea that my income rests on the shoulders of how much people think my service was worth to them....having to remember things, get drinks, carry food without spilling it, work a little computer thingy, learn a menu....none of this sounded fun.
Nonetheless, I was without a job for nearly two months, applied to so many other jobs that I was spinning from cover letters, interviews and phone calls....I had maxed out my credit cards, couldn't pay the minimum payment, had borrowed money from my brother JUST to make rent and hated everything about my life when my friend Heather said that her restaurant was hiring and it could be an okay place to work while I continued the "real" job search.
I drove down with my friend Jon, filled out an application, went in for an interview and was hired on as a glorified bus boy...there was a fancy name and all these responsibilities and such, but basically it was bitch work. My manager told me that after a while, if I'm doing well, the may make me a server....I have to admit that I was kind of happy that I hadn't been hired on as a server because, as a previously mentioned, i was deathly afraid of suc a prospect...
Thus my life in the restaurant industry was born...my "training" lasted about five minutes. The Saturday morning that I started they were short staffed so the guy training me had to actually wait tables that day instead. He gave me the run-down and I was told to ask anyone for help when I needed it. I did. A lot. Toward the end of my shift , my manager asked me if I thought I could stay that night, too. A double?!?!?! I agreed. Famous last words, eh?
The day exhausted me, but I was pleased that I was making actual money and not clocked in as a trainee...(the position is a tipped out position, by the way...the servers give a percentage of their tips to me at the end of the night. which left me with quite a few enemies from the get go....people who don't think my position was necessary.)
The rest of the week I picked up the knowledge I had not quite gained during my abbreviated training. And I began to- for lack of a better word- study the people I worked with. Many were absolutely fascinating. Some were jerks, douches, bitches, snobs and most didn't seem to want to be my friend. And you know? I was okay with that. I came to work, I did my job, I sang to myself, and then I left....That was my life in the beginning.
Eventually they trained me as a hostess. (Eventually meaning like my first or second week on the job.) This "training" involved me hanging around the hostess station with a bunch of high school girls and feeling like an old lady...I took to hosting much more than I had bitch work. And not just because it was easier, but because I could actually interact with people instead of being this mute food runner that I had become...
My first night as a hostess, it was announced that the hostesses were going to be having a mandatory meeting because they were lacking and needed to have a talking to. I was asked to come in as well. 10 oclock Saturday morning (a day I had off, mind you). So I went in and instantly felt so awkward. There I was with 10 or so 17 year old girls and 2 18 year old boys. And I was 22. People didn't really know that at the time, btw...
I kept my mouth shut for much of the meeting. I didn't really know much about hosting and so I couldn't complain/defend myself like the others. That was until we were asked if we had any beef with the servers that we'd like to get cleared up. I instantly began expressing how much I HATED getting talked down to like some child or uneducated imbecile just because I didn't wear an apron and take orders from guests. The kids cheered. It felt good to finally voice what had been eating at me...
And I was fed up. The hostesses had been nice to me up front, but the servers, I felt like I was having to prove myself to so many of them. Or at least constantly remind them that I was a person of normal to above average intelligence...
Back to the meeting. The girls (and Tim) and I were having a ton of fun laughing and joking. They all said that should go to their proms. I told them I was probably too old. When they asked my age and I said that I'd be turning 23 in a few weeks, I swear I could see all their jaws drop to the floor. Most had thought I was 19. Servers, too. But I wasn't. Haha.
After the meeting, a couple of the girls and myself and Tim decided that we should be total geeks and see Hannah Montana in 3-D that evening. And we did. And it was so much fun. And then we ate at the restaurant. And then I went to my first "work party". And everyone got to see another side of me, which was good.
Since then, I've made some pretty good friends at work and I've had many interesting adventures. I really honestly do like it there. Oh and I was made a server, too. So now I can be all high and mighty, hhahaha, jk.
But yeah, I'm not a server at a restaurant. Something I thought I would NEVER do....and I like it (something I thought was IMPOSSIBLE!!!) But that isn't all I'm doing. I've got a few other projects going too that involve theater so it's nice to be using my degree as well as making money to pay rent.
I've only scratched the surface, but this is more than enough detail to catch you up. From now on, I'll be blogging more regularly (hopefully) and it won't just be a play by play.
Time to eat lunch, lay around, shower and work from 6-close!
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| I have a lot of crap. Like, no joke, I have more stuff than a person needs. I'm trying to down-size, cut the fluff, hold onto only what REALLY matters and it's just so damn difficult.
I sit on my queen-sized bed (so necessary!) and gaze around my messy room....
I see my stuffed animals perched on top of my hutch. They are packed tight. No woman in her 20s needs that many stuffed animals, but as I start to decide which ones I can live without, I freeze. This one is important because it's from my dad, this one from my brother, this is from a fun birthday, this one is from gramma, this one was the best unexpected surprise gift ever, this one is a turtle, etc....I wonder why I have so many from my ex-boyfriend. I don't need those......do I?
I look at the hutch's shelves and see my books. I remind myself that there are three more boxes sitting unpacked in the dining room. I decide to get rid of some. Get rid of books?!!?!?! Are you crazy? Books are too beautiful! I remind myself how much I adore buying a used book, imagining the story that it tells not only in its pages, but in its physical history. Who as read this? What did they need to learn from it? I decide to get rid of some of my older favorites that I don't read as often, to share them with others. But there are so many I haven't read, haven't given a chance. I need to keep ALL of them. And old texts? Well, what if I'm researching something? Maybe I DO need multiple MLA handbooks, even if I can find all of the info online and doubt I will ever need MLA in my life ever again anyway....
I look at my dresser. Four large jewelry boxes filled, and a shoe box filled with more jewelry. Yeah, I ain't saying good-bye to any of that, good luck trying to make me....
Everywhere else in my room is covered with a layer (some places thin, others oh-so-thick) of clothes. No matter how often I get rid of clothes, I still have more than I can fit. I don't wear them all, though. Surely SOMETHING can go.....but not costume things. You never know when you need a costume. Or things that can make a good costume. Same goes for formal gowns. They come in very handy. Maybe I'll toss some pants that are too small. But what if I lose weight? I can't afford to buy new pants. How about T-shirts? Oh, but all the t shirts I have kept are special. Memories. I can't toss memories to be worn by some high school kid that thinks the Dave Bowser Scholarship is a cool thrift store shirt to buy. That's my dad on that shirt. The clothes are staying...
Shoes. Okay, shoes are something that SURELY I can downsize. I mean, I have the 35-30 pairs in my room and the other 30-40 pairs that are UNPACKED in the dining room! Yes, unpacked since August. Clearly I don't need them.....but you'll be hard pressed to get me to give up a pair of shoes. I mean, just last week I wore the gallaz I bought when I was 15. If they still fit, I should be able to wear them, no?
I have too much stuff. It's embarassing. I haven't even mentioned the misc. crap that I hold onto like it's gold. Yes, I'm a pack rat. Yes, my apartment is not able to facilitate such a person... So my stuff around me continues to accumulate and never settles into a functional space. I never have everything in order.And I begin to realize, that my life mirrors this exactly...
I can't settle. Everything is always all over the place for me.
Like my stuffed animals, I hold onto relationships that are better left forgotten.
Like my books, I acquire new friends and forget them, put them up on my shelf, because something more exciting has come along. I'm left with shelves and boxes of half-hearted relationships and can't ever seem to find the one that I can rest by my bedside. The one that I can curl up with when I'm feeling low...
Like my jewelry, I constantly pick up new obsessions, love them, and then stick them in a box, only to attempt to untangle but once a year...
Like my clothes, I never commit to anything. I hold onto various styles and prepare to be anywhere because I don't know where I will be tomorrow... I crave adventure, but bog myself down with so much crap, that if the opportunity to just go somewhere did come up, I'd have too many things holding me back...
Like my shoes, I refuse to let go of my childhood. Not that there is anything wrong with being a kid at heart, but knowing that deep inside, I'm an 11 year old girl still waiting for her daddy to get home from work is unhealthy. It's paralyzing. I struggle at basic functions of adulthood because I have never learned what it means to be responsible. I have hidden my true self away and created this fort around my queen-sized bed.
I realize now that all my struggles are related, and the reason I have my breakdowns is that a million things all balance on each other. My mental and emotional control is held together by whether or not my laundry is caught up. The clutter around my apartment is the clutter in my life. It isn't a metaphor, it is a real tangible problem.
So if everything in my life is in array and interdependent, how do I begin to fix any of it without trying to fix all of it? If folding my laundry will send me into a downward spiral about the fact that I am about to be 23 and I'm living like i'm 17, why not let the clean clothes sit in a pile?
People say take baby steps, but what happens when baby steps are too far? What happens when all I can to right now is BARELY nudge the boulder that is blocking the road to growing up? Am I allowed to settle for such little progress?
And if the answer is yes, then why am I still dancing across these hot coals, and jumping through these hoops? How can I get anything in order if I'm constantly being pressured from all sides? When can I take a breath?
I don't expect life to get any easier, but I wouldn't mind knowing that it's doable....
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| if you are my friend, or have read at least 5 or so of my blogs, there should be one thing that is VERY clear. i am ultra-passionate. i don't feel things half way. My blogs are either chirping birds or circling hawks. They are filled with hope and an amazing outlook, or they are doused in doom and dread. i have a feeling that if this blog goes the way i think it will, it will be both at the same time.
and that is rather conflicted, no?
but that's what my life is right now. i am absurdly conflicted.
the past few weeks, more than ever before, i have felt like i am being pulled apart by external forces. it all really began to pick up on valentine's day. i had a meeting with some friends about doing professional improv. You know, making a living acting? Imagine. I we brain-stormed ideas and basically had funding thrown at us, we began to realize that the only thing that could hold this back is a lack of effort on our part and we're all very excited about this new project. I left super excited.
later, i received a call- out of the blue- about a possible job opportunity... I won't go into the details but it would involve BIG changes for me including relocation and most likely giving up many facets of my lifestyle. I began to be pulled in two directions. Staying here, living the life I lead, or doing a basic 180 and gaining stability with that.
the next morning (literally hours later) i got a call from a woman had interviewed with about a week prior for a job. she was calling with the "good" news that she would like to hire me on full-time. another job offer.the third "real job" contract presented to me in the last calendar year. and once again, without even flinching, i respectfully declined. She told me that if i hcanged my mind, the job was there for me.... i was now being pulled in yet ANOTHER direction...
and that is only the stress of job stuff.
my relationships have all taken a turn recently, it seems like. it isn't like they've all taken a turn for the worse or anything, but the rules seem to have changed in a lot of them. i've opened up more to some, i've made completely new friends at work, i've began to move away from relationships that i've been holding onto for fear of losing certain support systems, i've not seen some of my best friends lately and i miss them a lot, i've been pleasantly surprised by some, and disappointed with others. Here are a few of the highlights and lowlights to give you an idea.
-i have a couple of friends that i was seeing at least twice a week to hang out with. i haven't seen some of them in 2-3 weeks and those that i have seen have been for VERY brief periods. i have the opportunity to hang out, but it just hasn't happend.
-i reconnected with my "bff" last week. she and i had a late dinner and drinks. it was great to catch up (i haven't seen her since before christmas) and unwind over some margaritas.
-i got in a fight with one of my best friends this week. it wasn't pretty.
-i made some very fast friends at work and we saw hannah montana 3-d together. it was so much fun! i already love these people to pieces!!!! did i mention that are like 17-19 years old, BAHAHAHA!
-i've developed, strengthened, and let go of some innocent and some not-so-innocent crushes over the last few weeks. i have been so removed from the "i'm interested in boys and relationships and dating" stuff for so long that this is really new to me. it's funny. for real.
-i've really been opening up to my girlfriends more. i really trust them and like them times a million.
-i became friends with someone recently that i've basically hated since i met them. i like being their friend more than hating them.
basically my relationships have all been jumping around like crazy lately. Changing, growing, struggling, reforming, beginning, ending, and it has been really taxing. the only really bad part about this is that i've been so overwhelmed and exhausted that i have been being my "other self" a lot more than usual lately. you know her well. she is the over-the-top eryn that fits in bascially anywhere she needs to and will make you life and make you smile, but there is really no substance to her. i've struggled for a long time to keep her at bay, and i can't help but feel like she's trying to take over my life right now.
and now i've only covered work and relationships. i haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what is all going on inside as a result of this over-stimulus. And today, well, today I don't have to. Let's just say that it has been really hard to focus lately due to all of this and that i have also had little to no alone time recently.
being the introvert that i am (if you call me and extrovert, so help me....), being without my alone time is like being in prison. it actually starts to physically hurt after a while too. i need to just be alone a lot of the time. otherwise i get burned out really easily. and then i either get sick or become a bitch. neither of which are fun.
this entry has not been the entry i had anticipated. in fact, all of the things that i really wanted to talk about don't even fit here. i guess i'll save those for later...
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| I haven't written in over a month. I keep wondering why. Is it because I'm too busy? Definitely no. Is it because I have forgotten. Sort of, maybe. Is it because I'm embarrassed about my life and don't want to share the horrible details? Quite possibly. But there is something else. Something that even as I type this I am beginning to realize....
I haven't been writing because I have been immersing myself into the lives of others.
And NOT in a good way. I mean, if I were serving others, and becoming selfless, then it would be like, "yay for eryn!" But that isn't he case. I have been obsessing over others. Reading blogs, watching vlogs, facebook stalking, reading the same books over and over, watching tv shows and becoming overly invested, and simply sitting back and wishing to be in the shoes of my friends.
In other words, somehow, during the last 5 weeks or so, I have turned into a spectator.
I have realized that I force others to work harder than me at
maintaining any sort of relationship. I don't work at my friendships
enough. And by that I mean that I refuse to be vulnerable first, I
refuse to admit how much I need people in my life. I refuse to put
forth effort to take relationships to the next level. (Now, to be
fair, this is a problem I've always had. It stems from my fear of
rejection and chronic shyness that most people wouldn't peg me with.
But lately, it's become exponentially more hindering.)
I have realized that I'm not going to find/don't need/don't want/can't handle romance in my life right now. I always say that I'm not looking for love, but I've always secretly hoped that it would find me. Now I'm thinking that it wouldn't be a good idea. Is that the truth or is it me simply becoming complacent with this part of my life and fearing the idea of having to really live, to really feel again.
I am ignoring me. And it is proving to be the most selfish thing that I could do.
Action MUST be taken. But where do I start? I've been desperately trying to get myself back on my feet, and the more I fail, the more reclusive I become. The more willing I am to forget myself, my life, and dive into someone else's. I'm am being so unhealthy. But at least I see it now. Finally.
But what is a step I can take. Part of me thinks, "Ask for help. Swallow your pride, admit how much you need people and let them restore you." But then I think, "Yes, but letting them restore me basically means that they are once again doing all the work. I will rebel. I will shy away. They will once again be left to pursue me, and that is part of this problem." So where does that leave me? Where does that leave us? I wish I knew.
Know that I care about you. Know that I need you and that I appreciate you. But also know that right now, it is really hard to admit that.
Maybe one day I won't be so filled with pride. Maybe one day I won't be selfish. Maybe one day i'll be the person to you that you are to me. Maybe one day I'll love with all of me, not just my deeply hidden heart.
It doesn't feel like this is much, but I know that these words needed to be said, needed to be realized.
I'm still clueless as to the step that I should be taking right now, but maybe the point is that taking a step in any direction is better than sitting around too scared to move.
Maybe anything can be my something.
Am I brave enough to believe that?
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